It would have been nice if...

I once saw a therapist who had a rational-emotive approach. When I lamented over things I was angry or sad about a situation or a person he would always say "It would have been nice if that had happened, but it didn't", and basically suck it up and deal with it, although that last part was unspoken. Because it's December and as always depression pops up like a letter in the mail. The perpetually unwelcome guest for the holidays. The only one who shows up uninvited. These days Christmas has become an empty time when I can't help but constantly compare the present to the past, and the present always ends up losing. It's really quite ironic because December has been the one month that I have looked forward to throughout the whole year. I have almost literally lived for Christmas. When summer was dreary and lonely I got through it by looking forward to Christmas. I have always felt more alive and excited during December. And December traditions have been of the utmost importance, such as certain Christmas decorations being brought out from storage and placed in their usual spot and watching classic Christmas movies. None of this is important anymore. I don't even have very many Christmas gifts to buy this year since my mother decided that she didn't want to exchange gifts this year. As I do every year, I have secretly hoped that somebody would get in touch to ask what our plans are during the holidays, and would we like to meet up for some mulled wine or something, or even spend Christmas Eve together. Of course, this did not happen, and I knew it wouldn't. My head has gotten the message but my heart refuses to give up on this wish entirely. I suppose it's more like wishful thinking than anything else. By now they would have called and they haven't and if they haven't by now they won't. Naturally, things could be a 1000 times worse. We could be living in Aleppo, watching our world crash down before our eyes along with our family and friends. It's really just a little only child-blues during the holidays. So I decided to do a "It would have been nice" list, to express what it is that I most would have wanted this holiday. 1. It would have been nice if my grandparents were still alive. If they were, we would not have all drifted apart. 2. It would have been nice if my relatives would get in touch during the holidays so that we could, if nothing else, meet up for a cup of coffee or perhaps even spend Christmas together like we used to. Without extended family or friends around it leaves you feeling somehow rootless, as if you don't belong. 3. It would have been nice if my friends would get in touch during the holidays so that we could, if nothing else, meet up for a cup of coffee. 4. It would have been nice if my son had been allowed a sibling, so that he would know what it's like to have other kids around, especially at Christmas. There is really nothing like sharing the excitement on Christmas Eve with other children. 5. It would have been nice if I could rise above it all and shed this sadness during the holidays. These are my "It would have been nice". As they are only that, wishes, I will accept reality for what it is. This holiday I will do my best to enjoy what I do have instead of lamenting over what was.

Losing friends to serious relationships.

Over the years I have lost several friends to serious relationships. While I don't think that dropping your friends because you've met someone is cool by any means - and I can honestly say that I don't do this myself - I do think that people in general simply forget about their friends when they meet someone, without even thinking about it. They do it because it's what people do. It's not something that one should take personally, even though it's hard not to at the time. When we're single our friends fill a need that we have for closeness, company or just a means to escape loneliness and emptyness. When we meet someone that is filled by someone else, and suddenly we don't have time for our friends anymore. We justify it by saying that it's normal, everyone does it. And that is for the most part true. Not that it makes it alright. I think people are generally selfish creatures. We take what we need from other people in order to survive, and when we don't need them anymore we cast them aside. You can't really argue with it or get angry about it, because we're basically just animals and we do what we need to do to stay alive. )This, by the way, is the number one reason for why I prefer dogs to people - dogs aren't fickle). Sadly, I think that no matter how close friends are, we're still disposable once we cease to serve our purpose. In the end, even the deepest friendships fade when a romantic relationship comes along (In most cases). This if of course not to say that there are exceptions to this rule, however rare they might be. But I don't think we can be angry about it, since this is simply human nature, to bad or good, just the way we people are. We use other people because they serve a purpose. Not because we're malicious or like to mess with others, and it's we're not even aware that we do it, it's just in our nature. Then of course, once the relationship ends the distant friend might turn up on your doorstep again, wanting to resume the frienship. Or maybe the friend has an hour to spare because their girlfriend/boyfriend is buy, so they call Ms. Reliable. Since I've never been one to reject people I always accept, but it never feels the same again. Something has been lost. A trust perhaps. It may start to feel like old times again but it never really goes back to being the same. That nagging doubt will always be there. I will never feel quite secure again. Speaking for myself, I've long grown tired of this and have decided that I would rather not have friends at all you have friends. Because as neat as it is to have friends that you think consider you family, it really sucks when they no longer have any need for you, and by relying mostly on yourself instead of the company of others, you save yourself a whole lot of doubt and confusion when that inevtiable time comes when they meet someone and you're left quietly asking yourself "What did I do wrong?", "What did I say?" or "Was I not supportive enough of their new relationship?" It simply takes too much energy and, quite frankly, it hurts my feelings. Spending time with friends who make sudden appearances after a long period of silence is like getting drunk or riding the tilt-a-whirl - it feels great at first and then you feel like crap afterwards. Either that or it just feels plain weird and awkward. It's my own fault, since I have a tendency to make myself too available. I tend to cling to people. However, this all needs to stop now, for my own peace of mind. So, I can proudly say that these days I have learnt how to let go of people. Yes, it's lonely and it's certainly not what I would prefer, however it is a necessary skills that I've been forced to develop. Finally, as someone said in a comment to another blog on a similar subject, a friendship IS a seriously relationship, and if one hasn't figured that out then maybe's that's the problem

To my child...

What I want for you more than ever is a sense of belonging, and a family. I want you to feel happy and at peace. I want you to grow up in a happy household, not one that's sad and empty. I want you to to feel loved and safe and not alone. I want you to grow up as a secure, well adjusted and happy person. I'm sorry if I can't provide that for you. I'm trying as hard as I can, but I'm always afraid that I'm failing. Just know that my intentions were good. I truly did hope and plan for you to have that happy family that I myself never did when I was growing up, and for you to feel secure and that sense of belonging that I never did. I hope you don't turn out to be like me. I hope you're okay with just me, because I will always try my hardest for you.

Summer again

Just for the record, I would like to add that summer is not my favourite season. This summer appears to be no different than the rest of them. It should be sunshine, water and lots of fun. Then again, that word should is a dangerous one. One should just erase all "shoulds" from one's life. Anyway, instead of the above mentioned, for me summer spells out what it almost always has: loneliness, isolation and anxiety. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels that way, in fact I know I'm not. I just wanted to put that out there for the record. That's all for now. Now I have floors to vacuum and mop.

One year ago today

Exactly one year ago, almost to the minute, we made the heart wrenching decision to have our Kelly put to sleep. We had no time to reflect on it either since she had started bleeding and it became urgent. We phoned the animal hospital and asked if we could come in and they said yes. So we had to say goodbye right then and there. I couldn't even go with her since I had to stay home with Noah, who was asleep. Nick had to walk the short distance with her by himself. I was in a shocked daze. Nick had to tell me to give her a hug and say goodbye now, or I'd always regret it. I hugged her and smelled her fur one last time and told her I loved her. Nick took put on her leash and the only thing I could think was that when the came back that leash would be empty. I watched them walk down the path for the last time, and then my heart broke. After that I paced the apartment back and forth waiting to hear from Nick about what was going on down at the hospital. They had some problems with the injection. Apparently they couldn't find her vein or something. She finally went to sleep around 11:00pm that evening. That was easily one of the worst nights of my life. If there was such a thing as the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind I would have that whole evening erased completely from my mind. I don't care how much pain makes us stronger, that is one thing I really don't care to remember. Now it's exactly one year ago that horrible night and I suppose I wish that she would somehow make her presence known. I wish I could hear her claws clicking across the floor, or smell her, feel her against my leg at night when I'm in bed. If she is running around at the Rainbow Bridge, I hope she pauses today to look down on us for a bit.

Are you waiting for me?

It's been almost a year since you had to leave. I think about you every day. I wonder where you are right now. I wonder if you're running around at the Rainbow Bridge, all happy and full of play, healthy and strong just like you used to be. Knowing you you're probably bullying the other dogs, showing them who's boss. I can picture you playing tug of war over a big stick with a big rottweiler and never giving up, just like before you were plagued with illness and old age, when your bones were still strong and your body free of tumors. I hope you were happy living with us, and I hope you knew, and still know, how much your mommy loves you and how much you enriched our lives. I wonder if you're waiting for me at the Rainbow Bridge. When the day comes, will you come running towards me as fast as you can, tail wagging and eyes smiling? I can picture it. Paws running through the green grass, the wind flying through your beautiful fur, your mouth open in a wide grin and the tongue hanging out. If you do, I'll wrap my arms around you and press my face into your fur just below your ear, where your fur is the softest and you smell like you. I'll inhale your scent and nuzzle you and feel your warmth and softness, just like before. Then we'll play some tug of war with a stick, your very favourite game. Make up for lost time. I wish I knew just where you are, so I would know for certain that we will see each other again, since the thought of never seeing you again is too much to bare. A lot of people wouldn't get it. You were "just a dog", they'd say. But anyone who's ever had a dog that they loved just as much as they were your own child would get it. Anyone who feels happiness and tranquility when they look into a dog's eyes would get it. Those of us who get so much more out of a pure creature like a dog than we do out of people know that your dog could never be "just a dog". As any devoted dog owner knows your dog occupies a special corner of your heart, and when they die it breaks and you feel like you will never be the same again. So I hope you're up there waiting for me at the bridge, and that you're not missing me too much but are too focused on play and making friends to think of me, but that you still look down on me every now and then and even make your presence known. Are you waiting for me my crazy, wonderful girl?

Holiday anxiety

It's that time of the year again...Easter is approaching. For some odd reason I had thought that this year would be different since Easter falls at the end of March and the ice on the lakes is strong, and the weather has been good. It seems that everybody has plans except us, just like at Christmas. Usually November and December are the best months of the years for me, where I feel less anxious and sad. Not so last year. In fact November and December 2012 were months laced with sadness and a growing anxiety as Christmas approached. Now that I have a child it's suddenly become all the more important to have a nice, normal and stable family. Since that is not very likely my anxiety grows as the holidays approach because holidays are for family and for spending time together. I didn't grow up with siblings but I was fortunate enough to have lots of extended family around to spend holidays with. These days when the grandparents aren't around anymore the extended family has scattered with the wind. Each year as Christmas, Midsummer and Easter approach I invariably, secretly wish that we could all spend the holidays together, or at least some of us. It never happens. I suppose I want Noah to feel the sense of belonging that I never felt when I was growing up. A child should be around other children. There should be excitement and magic around the holidays, not just him alone with four adults in a dysfunctional family. I don't want him to grow up to be like me. There should be play and fun and lots of noise and people, not silence. I want that for him. The knowledge that I can't provide that for him on my own makes me feel sad. It is true that for now he really only needs his parents but soon that's not going to be enough. I'm someone who has always hated everything "normal", maybe because things have never been "normal" for me. Right now normal seems pretty good to me. It feels like everybody has plans for the holidays. Skiing in the mountains, going off to a cabin, fishing, egg hunts, big family dinners. We have no plans at all and no funds to really make any. This blog entry is turning into a real pity party, which is not what I intended. My point is that the holidays are hard when you compare yourself to others. It's those damned expectations that you just can't stop yourself from having. Actually no, it's not expectations...it's impulses and association. I associate the holidays with family get-togethers or time spent with friends. Even though it hasn't been that way for many years now that association is pretty hard to break. I should lose touch with my inner child and just forget all the childish expectations. Anyway there are many people out there with far worse problems. So I should just shut up and stop complaining. Just wanted to express the fact that for some people holidays are difficult.