In soap opera land, single is a dirty word

It's the same tired storyline on The Bold & the Beautiful over and over again. I watched it for years, when I had the opportunity, since it's in such an impossible time slot in Vancouver - 12:30am. Now that I live in Sweden I have the opportunity to watch that drivel if I want to since it's on in the evening here. Do I want to? No thank you! Even when I have nothing to do I still don't tune into B&B.
I find that I don't have much patience with T.V shows these days. The only show that I can bare to watch consistently is Desperate Housewives. I watch the sitcoms whenever they're on when I happen to have nothing else to do, but I never actually turn on my T.V just to watch them, unless it happens to be MASH re-runs.
If a show pisses me off, I'll immediately stop watching. I watched one single episode of CSI and I was disgusted with its graphic violence. I've never watched it gain and I don't intend to if I can help it. I don't care if it's supposed to be all realistic and clever, I don't want to see it. What happened to the good, old under-stated cop/detective shows such as Cagney & Lacey and Magnus P.I, who relied more on dialogue and character development and plot than graphic violence? The one upshot about CSI is that red-headed character played by Marg Helgenberger. I don't know what her character name is but I really like her tough, no-nonsense character. I love to see a strong female character.
B&B finally got to me with their monotonous storyline of Brooke, Ridge, Stephanie and Taylor. It's been 20 years. Time to let it go. It's not interesting anymore. How many times you can see women calling other women whore and slut before you finally get enough. It's insulting to hear those words being thrown back and forth. I personally don't really enjoy cat fights. It's just tedious and irritating. It would be nice to see strong women who won't crumble into a pit of despair whenever they find themselves without a relationship for 5 minutes. It would also be nice to see women be supportive of each other in soaps. And when will men be called sluts? The character Ridge has been married about a hundred times and slept with God knows how many women on the show, he's never once been called a whore or a slut.
American soap operas turn women's lib back 50 years. Look at the picture above of the tired trio. The man is promiment in the foreground, larger than life, like a King out of some fairytale kingdom, while the two women who constantly battle over him are lurking behind him.

Calling all males out there

It's not as daring as it may seem. It's just that I've been reflecting over something today. Christmas is approaching and apart from a few people, nobody has expressed any happiness over this fact, or even reflected on it.
For me, my November and December are pretty much filled with anticipation, although for the life of me I don't know why since I don't actually enjoy the actual Christmas anymore, only the cozy feeling I get when I get to put up the Christmas decorations and enjoy candelit evenings on the couch with my favourite Christmas movies.
Christmas Eve in our little household consists of 4 adults and one dog. The peace and quiet is nice on one hand, however I do miss the large family gatherings that used to occur when my grandparents were still alive. Now the family has scattered and each household celebrates on their own. I better get hop to it and have some kids of my own so it's not so quiet and empty on Christmas. I can't imagine any better way to spend Christmas than to make it magical for my children.

Anyway, that's beside the point. The topic today is whether or not any men out there like Christmas. So far, I can't recall ever hearing one single man say:
"I'm so excited about Christmas almost being here!"

The reason for that is probably that most men don't gush like that. However I haven't so much as a:
"I like Christmas"

Is it that men don't care whether it's Christmas or not or is it that they simply don't express it?

I don't know if any men read my blog or if any of them will read this post but if you do, can you tell me if you like Christmas?

Reclusive me

I've been preaching about independence to a close friend lately, and how good it is to be self-reliant and not be so dependent on other people. I've explained how much better I've become at letting go of relationships that aren't healthy or aren't giving me anything. The other day she commented on my being cold, whereas she's more passionate. I realized that I must have expressed myself wrong.
I haven't become cold, rather I think I've matured enough to rely more on myself for company. I think this happens to a lot of people with time. Rather than depend upon those around me for happiness, I've managed to find it within myself. Well, happiness is too strong a word, since that's something I've yet to achieve. Contentment is a more appropriate description.
The other week while I was on the Skytrain I peeked at the book this girl sitting in front of me was reading. It was clearly a self-help book. I didn't catch the title but on the page she was reading it said in bold letters: "If you rely on other people for happiness you are giving them power over your passion". I may have gotten the exact words wrong, but that was the general message.
This sums up what I have been trying to convey to my friend. It's not that I've become emotionally cold, it's that I don't need to constantly surround myself with people in order to feel good. In fact, I'm almost too much of a recluse, and that's not always a good thing. In part, this recent change is due to a newly discovered independence, but part of the mixture is also a dose of apathy. I have felt rather lethargic the last couple of years and it feels more comfortable to just withdraw into my apartment and not have any plans with anyone. Plans means having to get up off the sofa or the bed and put on presentable clothes and makeup, and lately that's become more and more of a chore. It's not healthy. I know I'm probably depressed, but I honestly don't know how to fix it.
Anyway, that's a different issue. The issue at hand here is self-reliance. Regardless of whether or not my recent independence is due to a depression or apathy, the point is that part of is because I've matured. Believe me, I'm as stunned as anyone else who knows me must be. Maturity was never my strong suit. It still isn't. However, I have become more confident in myself and more capable of keeping myself company. I enjoy doing things by myself, such as going shopping, going to see a movie, going to the gym, the museum, what have you. I love that I'm calm and able to think, and not have to feel like I have to entertain or make conversation. It makes me more able to really take in and reflect on what I see and do. Also, it makes me feel so much freer than I did before when being alone made me anxious. I have always been a loner but before it was more because I didn't have a choice, because I didn't have many friends and didn't know how to make any new ones.
Now I make new friends but I don't need to see them all the time and don't sit around and wait for the phone to ring like I used to. I revel in those days where I have no plans or obligations and can just enjoy the day as I choose. That's not to say that I don't need to have friends, I do. But I also need myself and my own time just as much. I have the power over myself these days, as opposed to before when I allowed other people to define my existence.

Is Vancouver still my beloved Vancouver?

I'm back in Vancouver, for now, and despite an aching back and extremely tiresome jetlag it's nice to be back. I have to say though that I'm a bit spoiled with living standards now, and everything just seems a tad run-down to me. I'm not used to the great distances either, and I keep miscalculating how long it takes to get downtown. What I'm enjoying the most is the food. Every meal I've had out so far has been very tasty. It is so nice to have some variety again instead of just uppity fillet mignon with potatoes on the menu. One is able to go to a regular restaurant and have a meal sized salad. The other day I had a salad consisting of greens, blueberries, almonds, cranberries and goat cheese. My whole body let out a grateful sigh.
I do wish that I was more mentally present. I've been so dazed and confused that I feel like I've regressed about 20 years when it comes to social skills. Wish I had more time. So little time, so many things I want to do and so many places that I want to visit.

Then there is the non-stop rain that is Vancouver. Raincouver. Oh well, I knew it would be like this before-hand. It always is this time of the year.

Oh, and I finally got to visit my beloved Purdy's and buy a small bag of heaven. They wore those neat, little white gloves when they served me as well. It was expensive but so worth it. 5 years of longing for that chocolate. It sounds pathetic but it really is spectacular.

It has been great to see my best friend. Just wish we had more time together.

All in all, I'm not sure I'm really as in love with this place as I once was. Even before I left I was able to recognize and acknowledge its downsides, and I still do. Regardless, I still do want to buy a house here and settle down.

Anyway, enough for now. I'm using dial-up. Blast from the past!

The things you see when you take a walk

I was out walking with Kelly this morning. We started out by walking through the tiny forest here in the residential area. Kelly enjoys it because there is a lot to sniff and I release the flexi leash so she has 6 meters of freedom.
There it was, in the middle of the trees and bushes: a chair with the seat missing, a toilet paper roll hanging on a branch next to it, and some used toilet paper underneath the chair. Obviously someone created their own little outhouse right there in the middle of a residential area. As far as I know there aren't any homeless people here, but I suppose you never know. It could be some kids that like to hang out there and drink. Whoever it was, I think it was quite an ingenious idea actually. Very resourceful. Amusing, seeing how it's located about 10 feet away from the road. Amusing and odd. I like odd. Odd is very appealing to me.

As we emerge out of the tiny forest and hit the pavement we encounter the usual glass shards from people breaking bottles and the glass on bus shelters. This is not so appealing, especially not if you have a dog and the dog cuts up its paws. I just don't understand it. What is so amusing about breaking glass? This is a global fascination, and I do believe it's a male thing. For some reason, younger guys find this so cool. Spending your Friday and Saturday night getting hammered and going around throwing empty beer bottles or vodka bottles on the ground must be the ultimate kick. Even more exciting is tackling a bus shelter and smashing its glass so that the entire pavement is covered in shards for people and animals to step in. You know you're really living when you do that! It's right up there with doodling nonsense on walls and public property. How cool! We're all so impressed.

As we move on we walk past an empty ketchup bottle that's laying on the ground. Did someone sit there and just squeeze the stuff right down their gullet and then toss it aside when it was empty?

At 11:00am the church bells rang, and once again this heathen did not attend service. I always tell myself around Christmas when I attend Christmas mass that I should start going to service more often, but then I never do. Not that I believe that God exists only in church, but it can be uplifting to go.

I didn't see it this time, but I used to walk through this tunnel where somebody had cleverly written on the wall: "I piss here". I thought that was rather ingenious too in its own, crude way. It might be childish and I hate public urination, but that somebody would write that on a wall is amusing.

By the way, at this supposedly fancy party I went to on Thursday, guests were standing outside urinating on the wall. There were perfectly good washrooms inside but for some reason they felt they needed to piss outside. And not just on the ground, but on the wall! Why the wall? It's much less likely to wash out with the rain there. If you're going to piss outside, at least do it on the ground. But no, guys do it on the wall. It just goes to show, no matter how much money they earn or how advanced they are in their career, give a guy a few drinks and he'll show you that he's just as much of a bozo as the next person. Deep down we're all animals controlled by the id lurking underneath the surface.

Happy Birthday to me

Celebrated my birthday today. It was the same as every year. Baking during the day and some friends coming over at night. Amazing sandwich cake. Sandwich cake is one of those incredible inventions. I could live on the stuff!
Pretty small affair, which is how I like it. It's okay. Comfortable. Every year though I dream of doing something radically different, such as renting a hot air balloon and having a spa day, or even taking a trip somewhere like London or New York, or somewhere warmer like Greece. Never happens though. It's way out of my budget. This is a lean time of year for me, financially. It would be nice though. At the very least I'd like to go bowling on my birthday, but for some reason this never happens.
Is it such a big deal anyway? It's just turning one year older, which by now isn't really a reason to celebrate. Do we even stop to ponder why we celebrate? I feel about 10 years younger than I really am. I never really grew up, at least I took my time to reach the maturity level I'm at right now. When I was 20 I was still living at home and had never even had a boyfriend and thought that growing up was a fate worse than death. Starting from the age of around 15 and onwards I was afraid of adulthood. I wanted to remain a child, yet still get the respect and acknowledgment that an adult would get. I wanted to be recognized as an adult but still stay a kid. The truth was of course that I was still just a kid, regardless of what I thought.
Oh to be able to turn back time and go back 20 years. I'd do so many things differently. 20 years ago I was still a kid and still had time to buckle down and study and choose a proper high school program. Man, if I ever have a kid like me, I'm going to make them study and aim high for their future. They're not going to be allowed to just drift along like I was. The only thing I had going for me was my writing. I barely even cracked open a book during my elementary school days. I realize now that how you start out really does effect your life decades later. Had I been more ambitious and studious and more self-confident I probably would have studied while in elementary school, and gotten into an academic high school program rather than a practical one. Instead I didn't discover the joys of learning until university. Oh well, you can't change the past. Maybe whatever happens is meant to happen. I read somewhere that "everything is as it should be". Wise words.

I'm less cranky now

I was cranky when I wrote my last blog. I had had too much to drink, the results of an open bar I suppose. I hadn't eaten dinner either, which probably didn't improve things. However, the message of my latest entry still stands. I meant what I wrote, even though I might have expressed in an angrier tone than I normally would. On the other hand, what's wrong with some anger? Isn't writing supposed to contain our true feelings? I hate how civilized I've become lately. I sometimes wish I could be 18 and totally clueless of how people perceive me again. I'll try to make it a point not to be so cautious with how I express myself. Not everyone has to agree with my opinions.