One year ago today

Exactly one year ago, almost to the minute, we made the heart wrenching decision to have our Kelly put to sleep. We had no time to reflect on it either since she had started bleeding and it became urgent. We phoned the animal hospital and asked if we could come in and they said yes. So we had to say goodbye right then and there. I couldn't even go with her since I had to stay home with Noah, who was asleep. Nick had to walk the short distance with her by himself. I was in a shocked daze. Nick had to tell me to give her a hug and say goodbye now, or I'd always regret it. I hugged her and smelled her fur one last time and told her I loved her. Nick took put on her leash and the only thing I could think was that when the came back that leash would be empty. I watched them walk down the path for the last time, and then my heart broke. After that I paced the apartment back and forth waiting to hear from Nick about what was going on down at the hospital. They had some problems with the injection. Apparently they couldn't find her vein or something. She finally went to sleep around 11:00pm that evening. That was easily one of the worst nights of my life. If there was such a thing as the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind I would have that whole evening erased completely from my mind. I don't care how much pain makes us stronger, that is one thing I really don't care to remember. Now it's exactly one year ago that horrible night and I suppose I wish that she would somehow make her presence known. I wish I could hear her claws clicking across the floor, or smell her, feel her against my leg at night when I'm in bed. If she is running around at the Rainbow Bridge, I hope she pauses today to look down on us for a bit.

Are you waiting for me?

It's been almost a year since you had to leave. I think about you every day. I wonder where you are right now. I wonder if you're running around at the Rainbow Bridge, all happy and full of play, healthy and strong just like you used to be. Knowing you you're probably bullying the other dogs, showing them who's boss. I can picture you playing tug of war over a big stick with a big rottweiler and never giving up, just like before you were plagued with illness and old age, when your bones were still strong and your body free of tumors. I hope you were happy living with us, and I hope you knew, and still know, how much your mommy loves you and how much you enriched our lives. I wonder if you're waiting for me at the Rainbow Bridge. When the day comes, will you come running towards me as fast as you can, tail wagging and eyes smiling? I can picture it. Paws running through the green grass, the wind flying through your beautiful fur, your mouth open in a wide grin and the tongue hanging out. If you do, I'll wrap my arms around you and press my face into your fur just below your ear, where your fur is the softest and you smell like you. I'll inhale your scent and nuzzle you and feel your warmth and softness, just like before. Then we'll play some tug of war with a stick, your very favourite game. Make up for lost time. I wish I knew just where you are, so I would know for certain that we will see each other again, since the thought of never seeing you again is too much to bare. A lot of people wouldn't get it. You were "just a dog", they'd say. But anyone who's ever had a dog that they loved just as much as they were your own child would get it. Anyone who feels happiness and tranquility when they look into a dog's eyes would get it. Those of us who get so much more out of a pure creature like a dog than we do out of people know that your dog could never be "just a dog". As any devoted dog owner knows your dog occupies a special corner of your heart, and when they die it breaks and you feel like you will never be the same again. So I hope you're up there waiting for me at the bridge, and that you're not missing me too much but are too focused on play and making friends to think of me, but that you still look down on me every now and then and even make your presence known. Are you waiting for me my crazy, wonderful girl?

Holiday anxiety

It's that time of the year again...Easter is approaching. For some odd reason I had thought that this year would be different since Easter falls at the end of March and the ice on the lakes is strong, and the weather has been good. It seems that everybody has plans except us, just like at Christmas. Usually November and December are the best months of the years for me, where I feel less anxious and sad. Not so last year. In fact November and December 2012 were months laced with sadness and a growing anxiety as Christmas approached. Now that I have a child it's suddenly become all the more important to have a nice, normal and stable family. Since that is not very likely my anxiety grows as the holidays approach because holidays are for family and for spending time together. I didn't grow up with siblings but I was fortunate enough to have lots of extended family around to spend holidays with. These days when the grandparents aren't around anymore the extended family has scattered with the wind. Each year as Christmas, Midsummer and Easter approach I invariably, secretly wish that we could all spend the holidays together, or at least some of us. It never happens. I suppose I want Noah to feel the sense of belonging that I never felt when I was growing up. A child should be around other children. There should be excitement and magic around the holidays, not just him alone with four adults in a dysfunctional family. I don't want him to grow up to be like me. There should be play and fun and lots of noise and people, not silence. I want that for him. The knowledge that I can't provide that for him on my own makes me feel sad. It is true that for now he really only needs his parents but soon that's not going to be enough. I'm someone who has always hated everything "normal", maybe because things have never been "normal" for me. Right now normal seems pretty good to me. It feels like everybody has plans for the holidays. Skiing in the mountains, going off to a cabin, fishing, egg hunts, big family dinners. We have no plans at all and no funds to really make any. This blog entry is turning into a real pity party, which is not what I intended. My point is that the holidays are hard when you compare yourself to others. It's those damned expectations that you just can't stop yourself from having. Actually no, it's not expectations...it's impulses and association. I associate the holidays with family get-togethers or time spent with friends. Even though it hasn't been that way for many years now that association is pretty hard to break. I should lose touch with my inner child and just forget all the childish expectations. Anyway there are many people out there with far worse problems. So I should just shut up and stop complaining. Just wanted to express the fact that for some people holidays are difficult.

Another summer day

Today was another sunny day and Noah and I were on our own again. Today we walked over to the toy store and I got Noah some activity toys. A rattle made of wood with a bell and different shapes connected to it and a mock cell phone, which continues to start dialing and talking even though no one is pressing it. Then we walked up to a park and I spread out a blanket for us to seat on and we spent an hour or so there. I tried to entertain him and we did have some good laughs, but eventually he got tired of it and we left. We went for another walk and went by the store. He fell asleep and because I didn't want to wake him up I spread the blanket out on the lawn outside our balcony and read while he took his nap. I do try to keep busy and do things to make it special for him. I just hope I'm doing things right.

Today

Today we walked downtown, across the bridge over to Frösön and then along the shoreline all the way to beachfront on the south side of the island. Noah did pretty well in the stroller, even if the sun does bother him somewhat. I wasn't sure where we were going but isn't it more fun that way sometimes. We sat right in front of the water for a few minutes and Noah got to watch the water. There were a lot of boats out on the water and I imagined being on one. How peaceful it must be. We then hiked back the same way we came and went through the town again, which was crowded with people there for the festivities. It seems like everybody were in groups or in couples. We trodded our way across the crowded town square and walked all the way up to the café close to the woods where we often walk. I had to bring the stroller into the café when I got something to eat even though you're not supposed to because it's cramped in there, but I didn't want to leave Noah alone outside. I had an oat and nougat cake and sparkling lemon water and Noah had a fruit cup. We sat as much in the shade as possible. There was a chocolate brown poodle sitting tied to a tree next to us and I talked to him. Friendly little bugger. I was in no hurry to go home, but eventually we had to make our way home since Noah was getting tired and probably a little fed up sitting in the stroller. Now we're home. There is stuff to do even when you're on your own with a baby. It does feel empty somehow but I try to wave that aside and focus on just making something of the day. Oddly enough I'm not really tired even though we walked so far. We'll see what we get up to tomorrow. The aim is simply to get through the day and try to make the most of it.

Summer

Barbeques, beaches, picnics, outdoor parties, travel, even gliding on the water in a boat if you're lucky. Yes, for many people summer is the best season. I agree. These things are some of the best things one can experience. The water is fabulous, whether it's just a small lake or an extraordinary ocean. Some of the best times of my life have been spent on or around the ocean. I have to admit though, I have never been on a boat in my life, unless you count an estuary or a large ferry. Oh wait, there was this one time when I was 18 and went on a boat ride on my friend's boat. This was on the local lake. Anyway, all these things are great and it's easy to see why summer is so popular. However, if these things are absent from your life, for whatever reason, summer just becomes one long black hole where your days are spent lamenting times that have passed. I didn't expect this summer to be very extraordinary, because I knew that Nick would be working most of the time and that my parents would spend most of their time at the cottage and Noah and I would be left to our own vices. I actually didn't expect it to be this bad. I must say I'm surprised. As always, friends seem to be disappear during the summer, off on their vacations or just plain busy. I honestly didn't expect to see much of them this summer. Admittedly, I didn't expect my social calendar to be this empty, but oh well. I can deal with that, I have before and will again. It's been a long time since I stopped expecting anything. Placing your happiness in other people's hands is futile and will never make you happy. All I ask for is peace of mind. As things would have it, this was also too much to ask for. Last week we attended my grandmother's funeral. This hit me pretty hard since I hadn't seen her in a few years and we were planning to go down and visit her with Noah this summer. We never made it and so Noah and his great grandmother never got to meet. It's ironic that the family gathering that I had been wishing for for so long ended up being for her funeral. I made sure to take a lot of pictures, especially with Noah and his relatives, so that we can at least have those pictures to show him once he's older and let him know that he does have family out there other than just us. I know we remaining family members are never going to see each other anymore. When the last remaining grandparent dies it's as if the rest of the family don't have any reason to get together anymore and there are no more family dinners or occasions and all holidays are spent among just the immediate families. So this summer has been a bit of a downer, you could say. Noah and I have walked the streets and paths of the surrounding areas during those days where it hasn't rained, and a few times I have brought along picnic fixings and we've sat on the grass. Since Noah can't sit up on his own yet he quickly tires of just sitting on the grass since he can't really play yet. But I do try to make it fun for him, even if it's just the two of us. I'm really all that he needs at the moment I suppose. There will come a time though when he will start to crave more companionship and more action, and I'm afraid I alone won't suffice. I know from experience what it's like to be a child and feel lonely and excluded, and I want to make sure he doesn't feel like this when he's growing up. Of course, Facebook doesn't help things with all the status updates about vacations and parties and barbeques. I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. For some odd reason, I thought it would be different when you had children. That somehow magically, you would suddenly become part of some club. Not so. Deep down I really do love summer. I always have. It's just that because it never lives up to my expectations, or as the case is these days: just my feeble wishes, it ends up being a source of sadness and feelings of isolation. I even start to doubt my own existence. When you barely see anyone for days and only speak a few words per day you start to have some really odd thoughts. Like, if I'm not seen, do I really exist? Of course I know we do exist, seen or not, but when you're more or less cut off from the outside world you start to have moments of doubt. At this point I have given up on summer and am now anticipating autumn. I hope that it will be a good one.

I don't care

Morning thought. About celebrities, I don't care about their personal life since it's none of my business. I really like Sally Field but that doesn't mean I have to know what she does in her personal life. Obsessing about the lives of others, particularly total strangers, is a sign that there's something lacking in one's own life.