I've been preaching about independence to a close friend lately, and how good it is to be self-reliant and not be so dependent on other people. I've explained how much better I've become at letting go of relationships that aren't healthy or aren't giving me anything. The other day she commented on my being cold, whereas she's more passionate. I realized that I must have expressed myself wrong.
I haven't become cold, rather I think I've matured enough to rely more on myself for company. I think this happens to a lot of people with time. Rather than depend upon those around me for happiness, I've managed to find it within myself. Well, happiness is too strong a word, since that's something I've yet to achieve. Contentment is a more appropriate description.
The other week while I was on the Skytrain I peeked at the book this girl sitting in front of me was reading. It was clearly a self-help book. I didn't catch the title but on the page she was reading it said in bold letters: "If you rely on other people for happiness you are giving them power over your passion". I may have gotten the exact words wrong, but that was the general message.
This sums up what I have been trying to convey to my friend. It's not that I've become emotionally cold, it's that I don't need to constantly surround myself with people in order to feel good. In fact, I'm almost too much of a recluse, and that's not always a good thing. In part, this recent change is due to a newly discovered independence, but part of the mixture is also a dose of apathy. I have felt rather lethargic the last couple of years and it feels more comfortable to just withdraw into my apartment and not have any plans with anyone. Plans means having to get up off the sofa or the bed and put on presentable clothes and makeup, and lately that's become more and more of a chore. It's not healthy. I know I'm probably depressed, but I honestly don't know how to fix it.
Anyway, that's a different issue. The issue at hand here is self-reliance. Regardless of whether or not my recent independence is due to a depression or apathy, the point is that part of is because I've matured. Believe me, I'm as stunned as anyone else who knows me must be. Maturity was never my strong suit. It still isn't. However, I have become more confident in myself and more capable of keeping myself company. I enjoy doing things by myself, such as going shopping, going to see a movie, going to the gym, the museum, what have you. I love that I'm calm and able to think, and not have to feel like I have to entertain or make conversation. It makes me more able to really take in and reflect on what I see and do. Also, it makes me feel so much freer than I did before when being alone made me anxious. I have always been a loner but before it was more because I didn't have a choice, because I didn't have many friends and didn't know how to make any new ones.
Now I make new friends but I don't need to see them all the time and don't sit around and wait for the phone to ring like I used to. I revel in those days where I have no plans or obligations and can just enjoy the day as I choose. That's not to say that I don't need to have friends, I do. But I also need myself and my own time just as much. I have the power over myself these days, as opposed to before when I allowed other people to define my existence.
2 comments:
Self reliance is indeed important. This weekend, I spent a lot of time on my own and liked it. I haven't deliberately scheduled "me time" in a while, and it felt really good to reconnect myself and do the things that give me pleasure, like watch movies, read and take a walk.
But I don`t think there`s anything wrong with being sociable either. Some people think that just because someone thrives in a social environment that that person needs people to be happy. That is not the case.
Being self reliant is a good thing.
But that is very different from self isolation.
I tend to wonder about people who do not have many friends. Sometimes that is because they are indeed self reliant. They are happy with themselves and totally focused on what their lives.
Sometimes, though, people who are very isolated from others are so more because of selfishness or an inability to relate to other people. Or maybe they are afraid of being hurt, so they just stay in their corner, never reaching out to others and rejecting any advances.
A long long time ago, you could say I was more self reliant. I didn`t need anyone. But actually, I realized that behaviour didn`t come from true independence but from my being unhappy and insecure. When I actually started liking myself more, I became more social and more open.
Anyway, my point is, people tend to self sufficiency for self reliance, in the same way people mistake stubborness for strength.
But, speaking as a person who enjoys interacting with others as much as having time to myself: Just because you want other people in your life doesn`t mean you need them to survive or to be happy.
The key is to strike a balance. Be happy with yourself and be happy with other people.
There should be a healthy balance of course. Being self reliant doesn't mean that you have to exclude people from your life. Having friends and a social life is important but it's also nice to be able to enjoy alone time. Some people freak out when they have to be alone even for a few hours. I've had some people react to my wanting to be alone on a Saturday night instead of going out, basically saying "What's wrong with you??" That's a bit too much.
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