It would have been nice if...

I once saw a therapist who had a rational-emotive approach. When I lamented over things I was angry or sad about a situation or a person he would always say "It would have been nice if that had happened, but it didn't", and basically suck it up and deal with it, although that last part was unspoken. Because it's December and as always depression pops up like a letter in the mail. The perpetually unwelcome guest for the holidays. The only one who shows up uninvited. These days Christmas has become an empty time when I can't help but constantly compare the present to the past, and the present always ends up losing. It's really quite ironic because December has been the one month that I have looked forward to throughout the whole year. I have almost literally lived for Christmas. When summer was dreary and lonely I got through it by looking forward to Christmas. I have always felt more alive and excited during December. And December traditions have been of the utmost importance, such as certain Christmas decorations being brought out from storage and placed in their usual spot and watching classic Christmas movies. None of this is important anymore. I don't even have very many Christmas gifts to buy this year since my mother decided that she didn't want to exchange gifts this year. As I do every year, I have secretly hoped that somebody would get in touch to ask what our plans are during the holidays, and would we like to meet up for some mulled wine or something, or even spend Christmas Eve together. Of course, this did not happen, and I knew it wouldn't. My head has gotten the message but my heart refuses to give up on this wish entirely. I suppose it's more like wishful thinking than anything else. By now they would have called and they haven't and if they haven't by now they won't. Naturally, things could be a 1000 times worse. We could be living in Aleppo, watching our world crash down before our eyes along with our family and friends. It's really just a little only child-blues during the holidays. So I decided to do a "It would have been nice" list, to express what it is that I most would have wanted this holiday. 1. It would have been nice if my grandparents were still alive. If they were, we would not have all drifted apart. 2. It would have been nice if my relatives would get in touch during the holidays so that we could, if nothing else, meet up for a cup of coffee or perhaps even spend Christmas together like we used to. Without extended family or friends around it leaves you feeling somehow rootless, as if you don't belong. 3. It would have been nice if my friends would get in touch during the holidays so that we could, if nothing else, meet up for a cup of coffee. 4. It would have been nice if my son had been allowed a sibling, so that he would know what it's like to have other kids around, especially at Christmas. There is really nothing like sharing the excitement on Christmas Eve with other children. 5. It would have been nice if I could rise above it all and shed this sadness during the holidays. These are my "It would have been nice". As they are only that, wishes, I will accept reality for what it is. This holiday I will do my best to enjoy what I do have instead of lamenting over what was.

Losing friends to serious relationships.

Over the years I have lost several friends to serious relationships. While I don't think that dropping your friends because you've met someone is cool by any means - and I can honestly say that I don't do this myself - I do think that people in general simply forget about their friends when they meet someone, without even thinking about it. They do it because it's what people do. It's not something that one should take personally, even though it's hard not to at the time. When we're single our friends fill a need that we have for closeness, company or just a means to escape loneliness and emptyness. When we meet someone that is filled by someone else, and suddenly we don't have time for our friends anymore. We justify it by saying that it's normal, everyone does it. And that is for the most part true. Not that it makes it alright. I think people are generally selfish creatures. We take what we need from other people in order to survive, and when we don't need them anymore we cast them aside. You can't really argue with it or get angry about it, because we're basically just animals and we do what we need to do to stay alive. )This, by the way, is the number one reason for why I prefer dogs to people - dogs aren't fickle). Sadly, I think that no matter how close friends are, we're still disposable once we cease to serve our purpose. In the end, even the deepest friendships fade when a romantic relationship comes along (In most cases). This if of course not to say that there are exceptions to this rule, however rare they might be. But I don't think we can be angry about it, since this is simply human nature, to bad or good, just the way we people are. We use other people because they serve a purpose. Not because we're malicious or like to mess with others, and it's we're not even aware that we do it, it's just in our nature. Then of course, once the relationship ends the distant friend might turn up on your doorstep again, wanting to resume the frienship. Or maybe the friend has an hour to spare because their girlfriend/boyfriend is buy, so they call Ms. Reliable. Since I've never been one to reject people I always accept, but it never feels the same again. Something has been lost. A trust perhaps. It may start to feel like old times again but it never really goes back to being the same. That nagging doubt will always be there. I will never feel quite secure again. Speaking for myself, I've long grown tired of this and have decided that I would rather not have friends at all you have friends. Because as neat as it is to have friends that you think consider you family, it really sucks when they no longer have any need for you, and by relying mostly on yourself instead of the company of others, you save yourself a whole lot of doubt and confusion when that inevtiable time comes when they meet someone and you're left quietly asking yourself "What did I do wrong?", "What did I say?" or "Was I not supportive enough of their new relationship?" It simply takes too much energy and, quite frankly, it hurts my feelings. Spending time with friends who make sudden appearances after a long period of silence is like getting drunk or riding the tilt-a-whirl - it feels great at first and then you feel like crap afterwards. Either that or it just feels plain weird and awkward. It's my own fault, since I have a tendency to make myself too available. I tend to cling to people. However, this all needs to stop now, for my own peace of mind. So, I can proudly say that these days I have learnt how to let go of people. Yes, it's lonely and it's certainly not what I would prefer, however it is a necessary skills that I've been forced to develop. Finally, as someone said in a comment to another blog on a similar subject, a friendship IS a seriously relationship, and if one hasn't figured that out then maybe's that's the problem