Without my knowledge, did someone hit me over the head in the past week? Perhaps in my sleep? That would explain the zombie-like feeling that's come over me lately. I mostly feel like the walking dead. I can usually shake that feeling and even though I've been trying to the feeling still remains. It's both physical and psychological.
I'm exhausted if I wake up before 9:00am in the morning, which is ridiculous. I seem to require at least 9 hours of sleep all of a sudden. I've always needed a lot of sleep but these days I need more than ever. Whenever I wake up it's with a dazed, exhausted feeling, as though I have only slept 3 hours.
If I get less than 8 hours I get depressed and lethargic. Today is one of those days. Fortunately I did data entry today, which requires nothing but a zombie, so it actually fit.
I'm hoping that this feeling of utter hopelessness will pass soon. It's probably just the season. Hopefully it'll improve as soon as I'm over the post-Christmas blues. I know I'm not the only one who suffers from them. Not feeling sorry for myself here, this time it just seems to be out of my control. I know it's not. It's I that has to make a major change or things will never improve.
With Easter so far away this year and no holiday or any event at all in between, it makes every day life seem pretty dull and grey.
I think I must be in some sort of life crisis right now, because it feels like my life is over. It feels like the best years are behind me and there are no more chances left. I know this is irrational thinking, and this must be what a mid-life crisis feel like, although I'm not middle aged. Maybe it's just a good old-fashioned existential crisis. Doubting why I'm here. What I'm supposed to do. What I'm good at. If I'm good at anything at all. Should I bring a child into this miserable world. All that fun stuff. All those warm, fuzzy, cheerful, life affirming thoughts that they challenge in Rational emotive behaviour therapy. Albert Ellis would tell me to stop whining.
Pretty hard to make that major change when you have no clue where to start.
2 comments:
i like the word existential...
anyway, someone said something to me last year that resonated with me. and that is that no matter what, we must carry on and persevere.
i think there are always two sort of choices. the destructive one and the productive one. when feeling anxious or depressed, one can choose to do nothing or keep doing something negative VS. choose to do something that could potentially lead to a solution or at least help us learn something new.
you've started seriously writing right? i think that is a positive move. it'll be interesting to see where it takes you.
I intend to write even if it kills me. One has to do SOMETHING. We'll see how it turns out. At least I'll have tried. Better to try and fail than just give up.
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