A friend said that I seem adjusted here in Sweden and that I will probably stay here for quite a while.
That scared the hell out of me. The observation of me being adjusted to life here is not true. It never has been. If had been I wouldn't have left.
Family loyalty brought me back, and fear and family loyalty are keeping me here.
Fear of moving and maybe having to start over from scratch. Fear of ending up living in some humid, horrible basement suite. Fear of ending up doing ESL tutoring again.
I feel too old for starting from scratch again. I'm at that age now where it's seriously time to start settling down. If I was 10 years younger it'd be entirely different but I'm not.
I'm also not willing to leave my parents behind again. This is the lesser problem however since they are now retired and would be able, if they were willing, to come and live in Vancouver for parts of the year.
I know I'm maladjusted to life here because I feel myself sinking deeper and deeper into lethargy. I'm too paralyzed to muster up the courage to make that much needed change.
I know I'm not adjusted to life here, because
I get angry and irritated about the most ridiculous things, such as certain T.V commercials.
I loath trendy expression that everyone use, such as "Fredagsmys". People here even talk exactly alike.
I find myself comparing aspects here to life in Canada, such as service level, and wonder what a Canadian would do when they receive bad service in a restaurant.
And then, quite simply, I was a better person when I lived in Canada. Here I've turned into someone I don't really like.
Life wasn't perfect in Canada either but the fundamental difference was the kind of person I was. Here I'm an insecure, whiny misfit.
I'm really great at keeping up appearances though.
2 comments:
I felt like that in Manila. Everything was so chaotic. The malls were so noisy with magic mic salesmwomen singing karaoke and the loud bang of children's rides littered throughout the centre. Some people I met were provincial, shallow and narrow minded too. And you know how little respect I have for anyone who consistently lets his/her better judgment be clouded by prejudice. To top it off, I had little freedom. It was so suffocating.
The last two days went okay enough, though, that I wonder if it was merely my need to adjust to the way of life there. Found myself toying with the idea of moving there for a change of pace and scenery. But right now, I still think that would be a mistake.
In any case, would be nice to have you back here. But we seem to make do well with the Internet don't we? Finally, I like both the Linda's of Sweden and Canada. Misfit that you are :D
Isn't it funny how we manage to convince ourselves that we're ok somewhere even when we're not. I suppose it's a survival tactic.
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