It's not a momentous one. It's simply that I have decided not to suggest any activities to any of my friends anymore. Apart from this one person, whose enthusiasm has to be admired, I can't even remember the last time a friend took me up on a proposal to do something. Either all my suggestion are really lame or most of my friends only like to do things when it's initiated by them. They may call me with invitations to do things but when the tables are turned and it's me doing the asking they're either busy or want to do something else. Hence, I have decided that I am not going to ask anyone to do anything again, with the exception of this one enthusiastic friend. Nor am I going to always make myself available to other people's suggestions.
I don't see why I should always get turned down yet always be available whenever someone wants to do something.
On the other hand, I really don't want to become the kind of control freak that mother is. She has such a remarkable need to be in control that she won't do anything unless it was here idea. There's no doubt in my mind that people who are like this are control freaks. Some people can't do anything unless it was thought of by them. These are truly frustrating people, and I do hope I don't develop this trait. So far I'm ok. Although I do have some control issues, I still enjoy doing things suggested by others.
This Easter has been rather lethargic for me. I have felt listless and a bit glum. While other people love spring and get all energized and happy, I experience the opposite end of the spectrum. I get physically tired, listless, and down. I believe the term is seasonal depression. Whether it's due to physical causes or mental ones I have no idea, but there you have it. I'm an autumn person all the way. Autumn doesn't stress me out the way spring does. In the spring I feel so stressed everytime I'm not making the most out of a sunny day. There is the constant pressure to be outside and to be doing something. What if you have nowhere to go? What if sitting in the sunshine bores you out of your skull? What if walking around aimlessly isn't your cup of tea and it depresses you rather than makes you happy?
I think the Swedish poet Kristina Lugn had a similar sentiment, what if you don't live up to the expectations of what spring and summer should be like? It feels as though everybody in the world is doing something but you. Stressful.
I admit that although this trait of mine appears to be inherent, since I have always felt this way, it's partly due to my own expectations and demands. Rather than fill me with peace, sitting on a blanket on a meadow makes me restless, unless there is an animal present. Even a rabbit will do. Barbequing with friends is nice but cliché and it doesn't make the earth move. Going downtown to eat an ice cream and watch people stroll by annoys me almost as much as it does when other people stare at me. I still think people watching is rude and I refuse to do it. People like to call it "people watching" to make it sound more sophisticated but really it's just plain old staring. I don't know exactly what it is I should be doing in order for me to feel as though I'm making the most of my summer, but I suspect that anything less than being right smack by the ocean falls short, or at least a body of water. We used to take daytrips to this wonderful place called Buntzen Lake, where we would sit and eat, drink and, if it was warm enough, go swimming. That was marvellous. I must have been a mermaid or something in an earlier life because the water is the only thing that gives me peace and true enjoyment and makes feel like I'm alive. I remember the feeling I got when we were in Crete two summers ago, and I first got to sit down right in front of the water and the waves were crashing in. Amazing and lovely are the only words to describe it.
4 comments:
I totally understand where you're coming from. Actually, this posting is quite timely, given that I've made a similar decision as well.
That is, I've decided not to do things that don't feel good. That includes asking people to hang out when they rarely ask me to do things. To repeatedly hear a no starts to feels like a rejection. And even if they do say yes, to be the one doing most of the asking makes me feel like I'm pushy or I'm just an option.
I know that friendship requires reciprocity so I feel weird not to do my part and initiate sometimes so I do try still. After all, you can't expect someone else to do all the "work."
But when the energy always goes from me to the other person and never the reverse, it just starts to feel bad.
I think no matter how confident you are, you would begin to question who you are to a person that doesn't seem to care. And if you respect yourself enough, you wouldn't be able to continue trying to make a friendship work with people who don't make a similar, or indeed, any, effort.
Maybe this is just temporary though. Lately, I've really recognized that my mom's death affected me in ways I can't begin to imagine yet. It's like my world was shattered and I'm still dealing with the aftershocks. It is already taking a lot of effort to not go crazy over missing her that I just have no energy left to think of whether my invitation would be welcomed or an annoyance.
Finally, I wouldn't say that you and I are necessarily right in feeling this way. Maybe we're just being sensitive. Maybe we are making a big deal of small stuff. Who really cares who asks to do what. Everyone has different energy levels.
But bottomline is you have to take care of yourself first and do what feels best for you. If something feels bad, even if it's not bad in reality, stop doing it. After all, the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
I think the best thing to do now is be honest...which is what you're doing by writing this blog entry I guess.
I've actually told friends that I would love to see them and am up for anything. I wonder if they resent that or think I'm trying to control them. I'm not though. It DOESN'T mean that they MUST do the asking. It's just my way of letting them know that this is where I am right now, that I don't feel good asking so I won't.
That way, if they don't ask, then I won't have to guess whether they want to hang out or not. I can just assume that they don't want to and give my time to people who do. It's just easier that way..for now, anyway. I still hope the shittiness will pass and everything will be okay again.
Sigh I'm just trying to do my best here. I'm so confused.
Gosh I rambled on. I should really write on my own blog rather than hijack yours. But it's much easier to comment than to write an entry. Hope you don't mind :P
Yeah you did have a lot to say on the subject, but that's good. No worries. As for me, it's not really that I feel so bad when people say no, it's just tedious to ask the same question all the time and get the same response.
You're right, some people do take energy without giving any back. Some people give and take, some just give and some just take. I think it's wiser not to spend so much time with those who, even if they're not aware of it themselves, only do the taking.
Yeah...though I think one cannot stop caring just because one decides it. But what I do have is pretty good discipline over my actions. You know about my MIA friend C. I cannot not care about what happens to her, but I certainly will no longer try to reach out. I'll be there for her if I'm wanted, for the big stuff, as she was for me last August. But other than that, I've realized that she is too involved in her own life to keep up the kind of friendship I am willing to accept in my life. At some point, it becomes best for everyone to just...if not cut the rope, at least let go of it.
Yeah not iniating outings doesn't mean you don't care.
Post a Comment