Summer

Barbeques, beaches, picnics, outdoor parties, travel, even gliding on the water in a boat if you're lucky. Yes, for many people summer is the best season. I agree. These things are some of the best things one can experience. The water is fabulous, whether it's just a small lake or an extraordinary ocean. Some of the best times of my life have been spent on or around the ocean. I have to admit though, I have never been on a boat in my life, unless you count an estuary or a large ferry. Oh wait, there was this one time when I was 18 and went on a boat ride on my friend's boat. This was on the local lake. Anyway, all these things are great and it's easy to see why summer is so popular. However, if these things are absent from your life, for whatever reason, summer just becomes one long black hole where your days are spent lamenting times that have passed. I didn't expect this summer to be very extraordinary, because I knew that Nick would be working most of the time and that my parents would spend most of their time at the cottage and Noah and I would be left to our own vices. I actually didn't expect it to be this bad. I must say I'm surprised. As always, friends seem to be disappear during the summer, off on their vacations or just plain busy. I honestly didn't expect to see much of them this summer. Admittedly, I didn't expect my social calendar to be this empty, but oh well. I can deal with that, I have before and will again. It's been a long time since I stopped expecting anything. Placing your happiness in other people's hands is futile and will never make you happy. All I ask for is peace of mind. As things would have it, this was also too much to ask for. Last week we attended my grandmother's funeral. This hit me pretty hard since I hadn't seen her in a few years and we were planning to go down and visit her with Noah this summer. We never made it and so Noah and his great grandmother never got to meet. It's ironic that the family gathering that I had been wishing for for so long ended up being for her funeral. I made sure to take a lot of pictures, especially with Noah and his relatives, so that we can at least have those pictures to show him once he's older and let him know that he does have family out there other than just us. I know we remaining family members are never going to see each other anymore. When the last remaining grandparent dies it's as if the rest of the family don't have any reason to get together anymore and there are no more family dinners or occasions and all holidays are spent among just the immediate families. So this summer has been a bit of a downer, you could say. Noah and I have walked the streets and paths of the surrounding areas during those days where it hasn't rained, and a few times I have brought along picnic fixings and we've sat on the grass. Since Noah can't sit up on his own yet he quickly tires of just sitting on the grass since he can't really play yet. But I do try to make it fun for him, even if it's just the two of us. I'm really all that he needs at the moment I suppose. There will come a time though when he will start to crave more companionship and more action, and I'm afraid I alone won't suffice. I know from experience what it's like to be a child and feel lonely and excluded, and I want to make sure he doesn't feel like this when he's growing up. Of course, Facebook doesn't help things with all the status updates about vacations and parties and barbeques. I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. For some odd reason, I thought it would be different when you had children. That somehow magically, you would suddenly become part of some club. Not so. Deep down I really do love summer. I always have. It's just that because it never lives up to my expectations, or as the case is these days: just my feeble wishes, it ends up being a source of sadness and feelings of isolation. I even start to doubt my own existence. When you barely see anyone for days and only speak a few words per day you start to have some really odd thoughts. Like, if I'm not seen, do I really exist? Of course I know we do exist, seen or not, but when you're more or less cut off from the outside world you start to have moments of doubt. At this point I have given up on summer and am now anticipating autumn. I hope that it will be a good one.