Seeking peace of mind

I haven't felt at peace in...well I never have. There was a time though when I did feel more at ease, and more comfortable with myself. I was only 18-19 years old then and hadn't really lived and I know I can't ever go back to that time, and those days had their own set of problems so I don't think I'd want to anyway. There is something to be said for being young and naive and a social recluse. Even though it's lonely it is at least somewhat peaceful to live in your own little fantasy world. I've been longing to get back to that lately. A comfortable place where I can focus only on writing fiction and where I don't give a crap about if my writing is good or not because I am just writing for the fun sheer fun of it. I deactivated my Facebook account yesterday. I just wasn't enjoying it anymore. I just got tired of reading about the same things every day and feeling that my own life is inadequate in comparison to other people's, even though I know that statuses are embellished and often don't reflect the truth. I also didn't like how I wasn't able to express myself freely and say what was really on my mind because my real thoughts wouldn't be acceptable. There is always the pressure that everything has to be so "normal" and cheerful and life affirming. Every time my status was less than life affirming and positive I always felt judged, that people were sitting there going "She's such a whiner!" or "She's such a weirdo!". It's not okay to be down for no specific reason. I don't want or need to know all the mundane, every day activities that people get up to, like have a cup of coffee for example. When everything is always the same day after day it just kills me. I also don't another way to feel unpopular, ignored or disliked. It's like how it is with cell phones. When you don't have a cell phone you can't be reached everywhere and you can at least fool yourself into thinking that the reason people aren't calling you is because they can't get a hold of you. But with cell phones and Facebook and email the truth stares you right in the face. There are no excuses for not getting in touch because with so many choices of communication you can't escape the fact that people aren't getting in touch with you because they don't want to. Well, given what I just said this next bit is going to sound like I'm contradicting myself, but I feel a certain kind of peace when I'm not contacted by people. People actually drive me crazy. I don't like people. I like animals. If there was a Facebook for dogs and cats I'd be there instead, naturally I wouldn't really quality for it but if I could fake my way in somehow I would. I have found that in order to achieve some sort of inner peace it's necessary for me to withdraw a little from the outside world. Not completely of course, I can't very well do that now that I'm a mother. I don't want my son to dislike people too. I don't want him to be like me. I want him to be happy and well adjusted and a people person. However, my spending too much time on Facebook is hardly the way to achieve that for him, rather it will have the opposite effect since it took precious time away from him. Although I do miss Facebook, it's more like the missing is a sort of compulsion or an impulse. Like missing your usual morning line of cocaine. I will probably return to Facebook in time but for now I am taking a much needed vacation from it. I have to say that I was happier before I even heard of it, and hopefully I can get back to that now. There is a lot to be said for being a recluse.