Stress and anxiety times

I now suspect that it doesn't really matter what happens in September. I think that there's some kind of underlying factor that causes anxiety this time of year. Maybe there's nothing I can do about it. Maybe it's something in the air. Who knows.

I spent part of the day phoning British Airways to get an explanation from them as to why they took 50 dollars from my account without my knowledge. These are the dangers of giving out your credit card number.
No explanation was given, just a request to fax a copy of my bank statement so they could see the exact amount, which is odd since they should be able to see that in their computer system anyway. Well anyway, I faxed the damn thing off and have been trying to contact the same person I spoke to this morning, since I didn't hear anything for several hours. Naturally, she had gone home for the day.

Apart from this joyous task I took on a fifth English course for this term. I hope the students will be nice and pleasant, and not sulky and pessimistic. There have been instances where some students have been like that. There are sometimes 1 or 2 people in the group that behave that way. I just don't have the patience for that these days.

On another note, the wrong side won in the election and those that are gravely ill and unable to work can look forward to another 4 years of degradation. The Swedish Democratic party made it into Parliament, which came as no surprise since the polls had indicated that this would happen. While I don't agree with their opinions, and would definitely not cast my vote in their favour, I, having lived abroad for a longer period of time, have a different perspective than Swedes who have never lived anywhere but in Sweden. As an immigrant in Canada for example, you will not receive any government funded lessons in your native language, and if you want to study English you do it at your own cost. In Sweden, immigrants get to take Swedish For Immigrants for free as well as lessons in their mother tongue, to maintain their native language skills. All in all, Sweden is still pretty good to their refugees and immigrants when they first arrive in the country. It's later that they fuck up, when it comes time for them to start looking for a job. Foreign people are still discriminated against on the job market, unfortunately.
I also think that the Swedish Democrats brought up a valid point that needs to be addressed, since I consider it a huge problem, and that is the fact that girls get called "cunt" and "whore" in school on a daily basis, especially if they're blond and Swedish looking. This is outrageous and I think something really ought to be done about this. No girl should have to be called those names, no matter where she's from. So, any political party who'll take an active stance against it and who will invest money into putting a stop to it is okay in my book. Whether or not the Swedish Democrats will actually deliver on this promise is another matter entirely. All politicians make wild promises during election times and then suddenly get amnesia when it comes times to make good on them.

And here we go!

My mom was hospitalized today. She's a nurse in the intensive cardiac care unit. Today her blood pressure went sky high and she almost passed out. After running some tests they find out her blood count was low too. They did a lung X-ray and took more blood tests. I automatically started thinking the worst, since she's been a smoker for many decades. She's still in hospital now. We went to see her this evening. While we were there another nurse came in with some tests results and as it turns out she might have hypothyroidism. Nothing has been confirmed yet and there are still other tests to be done. If it is hypothyroidism it can be treated with medication. I hope that's all it is because it's nothing compared to what I was fearing.
She's in hospital right now and tomorrow we'll hopefully get some answers.
See...bloody September! This has been a bad day for me because not only am I a worry wart these days, but it being this particular month I'm extra sensitive.
It's so odd, because I really love autumn. It's my favourite season. The colours are so beautiful and it's Halloween and it's getting darker and that means lighting candles and cozying up on the couch. I love it. It's just a shame that shitty stuff always seem to go down in the fall.

Why must "happy and cheerful" be a prerequisite?

Isn't this a tad discriminatory?

In job ads in Sweden, it's not uncommon to see among the qualities they are looking for: "Happy, cheerful, perky".

Darn, and I met all the other qualifications! I have a university degree and 5 years work experience. Too bad I'm not happy, cheerful and perky! Oh well. Next time.

What business is my emotional state to a potential employer as long as I am qualified and know how to do the job? As long as I'm competent and know how to plaster a big old smile on my face even though I don't really mean it, that should be all that's required. Why do we have to be perky and cheerful anyway? Isn't it enough to be polite and genuine? Why do we have to be affected in order to achieve?

I am not, nor will I ever be, perky and cheerful. I never have been perky and cheerful. This is why I'm most suited for a job where I don't have to see any people. Stick me in front of a computer screen with a long translation, or better yet, a book to write. I may struggle and hate it while I'm doing it but I'm secretly loving it and enjoying every minute of not having to pretend to be perky and cheerful. Screw perky and cheerful. These are adjectives that are stereotypically associated with women, as if we all should naturally be sunshine and lollipops. Well we're not. We're just as filled with issues and conflict as men are.

Happy is something to strive for however. Happy is a goal to aim for.

Halfway through

We've reached the half peak of September. This is when the shitty stuff usually goes down. However, even when September is over I'm not going to assume that everything is rosy and sunshine. Crap has been known to happen in October too. I hope I'm not jinxing it by talking about it. Knocking on wood right now just to be on the safe side.

I know we're supposed to live in the present and not spend our lives worrying about what will come tomorrow, but when you see a negative pattern developing you can't help but be a little but concerned. I don't know why, but this time of year is very volatile for me. I can't help feeling that it's more likely that something bad happens now.

September so far

September is the most dangerous month for me, the month when something bad usually happens. I've kept my mouth shut about it until now and have never shared my paranoia with anyone. I'm thinking now that maybe I should. God knows keeping quiet about hasn't stopped things from happening, so why not talk about it?

Every f-ing autumn for the past 4 years something shitty has happened. There have been deaths in the family, threats, confrontations, panic attacks...I started to think that I have been cursed, and that the month of September was destined to bring on the drama. Well screw it. I'm sick of keeping it to myself. It sure hasn't done anything for me keeping it to myself.

So, we're 9 days into September and so far nothing really terrible has happened. Let's hope it stays that way. Although the heavy stuff usually don't go down until at the end of the month, or in October, so the fact that nothing has happened yet doesn't necessarily mean anything.

I'm not usually this open, but I've had some brandy and I'm feeling cockier at the present time. But you know, I think that I'm far too closed up, and that so far it has gotten me nowhere. Perhaps it is better to be more open.

I can't wait for this month to be over.

Obsession is bad

I'd rather be obsessed by food or drink than with another person. There is nothing so frustrating than to be obsessed with someone. When I fixate on someone I really go all out. My life revolves around that person and he affects every aspect in my life. I even take up the same interests as him, or at least I make a half-hearted attempt to.
It's been a long time since I did this. Thankfully, I've stopped obsessing about people. I wouldn't go as far as saying I'm nice and normal now, but as I matured a bit I became more independent, and gained some self-respect. Now I slap myself down if I can sense fixation rearing its ugly head, which it almost never does anyway.
When I did use to obsess it was almost always about a guy of course. Even when it was mutual, I would always go the extra mile. The more he withdrew from me the more I'd push. Sometimes it was unrequited love, sometimes it was mutual. In either case, nothing good came out of it. In the unrequited cases I was too chicken to make my move but too possessive to relinquish the thought of him, instead I tried to make sure that I was around him as much as possible, in seemingly innocent ways. I'd just happened to pop by his house because I just happpened to walk by. In the early days, when I still had zero experience and was a freaky recluse, I'd form obsessions with guys I didn't even know, who were just casual acquaintaces at work and who had done nothing more than speak to me nicely. I looked one of them up in the phonebook and found his address and made a point of walking by his apartment building several times a week, like some fanatical stalker.
Then there were those crushes or relationships which weren't solely in my head, but that actually existed. In those cases where my feelings were requited, it started out well but as time went on I would always start to fixate, and since almost no one likes to be with someone who's clingy, it always ended badly. With those crushes that didn't know about my feelings but who I suspected felt the same way, I grew bitchy and unstable whenever I felt them slipping away from me. If I thought that their interest was waning I'd become cranky and weird.
Even when your love is requited, becoming obsessed with someone can never lead to anything good. I think we lose ourselves a bit when we do that. We become so focused on that person and his/her actions and words that we forget about ourselves. I hate that feeling and I hope I'm never in that place again. Because as I've realized, we can control some things but we can't control other people. We can't control their feelings or actions. All we can do is be ourselves and try to live our lives with some dignity and self-respect, and treat people the same way we'd like to be treated, and accept that other people are different from us. It may be my imagination, but I think I make friends more easily now that I'm not so desperate and clingy. Not only that, but I actually manage to keep them too.

Canada vs. Sweden part 2

Like Sweden, Canada has advantages as well as disadvantages. I'll start with the disadvantages.

Disavantages to Canada:

1. Rules and regulations
There are so many rules that seem rather nazi-like. One is that infants and toddlers need to cover up on the beach. That is, they can't romp around naked but have to wear a miniature bikini or swim trunks. I suppose with all the pedophiles running around out there, this makes sense...somewhat. One rule that doesn't sit well with me though is the no drinking in public law. Are you telling me I can't have a beer with me to the beach? That's ridiculous. Why should be able to drink anywhere inside but as soon as you step outside it's a no-no? Silly. This is a matter of personal choice for me. As long as I don't get hammered and violent towards others, I don't see whose business it is if I have a beer outside.

2. The healthcare system
As long as you have a care card, you're alright, but if you don't, and you're in need of extensive medical care, you're screwed.

3. Standard of living
In general, the standard of living is better in Sweden. You definitely see a difference in the quality of housing. Rental apartments in Sweden make rental apartments in Canada look like rat holes. In fact a lot of apartments and basement suites in Canada are rat holes. And yet landlords charge a fortune for very substandard living. Meanwhile, there are huge, fabulous houses built next to run-down shacks that don't even seem fit for living. The gap between rich and poor sure is big. I have lived in some questionable places in Vancouver, and those places were still palaces compared to some of the dumps you see. And then of course there are a lot of people who don't even have a home.

4. PST, GST, HST...
Living in B.C sure isn't cheap. It wasn't enough with PST and GST added to your bill, now it's HST - Harmonized Sales Tax - too. Sounds like crap to me.

5. Post secondary education costs through the nose
This is not solely a bad thing. It is bad that it has to cost so much to get an education, especially if you're an international student. It should be cheaper. However, making students pay for their studies might help to weed out those who really shouldn't be going to college or university in the first place. In Sweden, some people study because there is nothing else to do, without a real aim, thereby taking up slots that should be filled with motivated people who really need and want an education. The facts still remain though that it's too pricey to get an education in Canada. Where does all that tax money go?

Advantages to Canada:


1. Friendliness and openness
Ok, this isn't always true. If you're on the skytrain or subway during rush hour, you'll find that the atmosphere is less than friendly. In general though, Canadians have an openness about them that I have a hard time finding in Sweden. They have more tolerance to differences. This in part due to the country's multiculturalism I suppose, but Sweden is getting rather multicultural these days and people seem as narrow-minded as always there. Swedes are set in their ways. It's harder to stray from the norm in Sweden, much harder. In Canada there is a sense of personal freedom. You don't have to stick so hard to the norm. It's more okay to be different, or to go your own way. Also, you will find a good deal more friendliness in the service sector. Here the customer is in charge, and if you find yourself being treated rotten you can always ask to speak to the manager. I dislike people who make it a point to complain and who shout for the manager as soon something doesn't meet with their approval, but if something really is wrong, you should be able to complain and get some form of reimbursement. It is not okay to wait for your food for an hour and then not even get an apology. It is not okay to receive the wrong order and have the waiter roll his eyes in annoyance when you complain about it, or just as infuriating - give you a sarcastic little smile.

2. It's okay to be neurotic
It doesn't matter if you're a little nutty, or a little gloomy. And you can admit that there are certain parts of your life that stink. In Sweden, perkiness is a prerequisite. It even says in a lot of job ads: "We're looking for a happy, perky person..." So I have to be happy and perky in order to do this job? How is my emotional status relevant? As long I'm competent, polite and good at my job, how is it relevant whether or not I'm happy? And perky...I'm not even going to go there. I have never been perky and I will never be perky. I dislike perky. Especially when it's mixed with smugness, as it is in so many of those blond Swedish women. Oh, and in Vancouver you don't need to feel like a bum because you don't dress like a fashion poster because most people in Vancouver wear t-shirts anyway.

3. A more efficient job market
There is more variety, more jobs, less discrimination, and if you don't do your job properly you lose it. I happen to like this last part the best. It should pay off to be a good worker. If an employee slacks off and has a bad work attitude, why should they still be able to keep their job? In Sweden, employees are so protected by union rules and government rules that short of stealing, they can do just about anything and get away with it. They can slack off as much as they want and still keep their jobs. I've seen it with my own two eyes. Whereas in Canada, it's not necessarily those that have been there the longest who get to keep their positions if the company has to do cut-backs. It's those that are good workers who get to stay, at least that's been my experience. I don't believe in that last hired, first fired rule. It should be based on performance who stays and who goes.

4. Natural beauty
The landscape in for example B.C is amazing. Sweden is beautiful too but there is something so breathtaking and dramatic about B.C. It makes you stare in disbelief. The first time I went up to Burnaby Mountain Park I just sat there and stared in amazement.

5. More privacy
People don't stare, and more importantly, when you buy or sell property it's private information and it is not listed in the newspaper with the exact figures for the public to see. Nor is your annual income public information. In Sweden it is public information whenever someone sells or buys property. Why this would be anyone else's business I have no clue. More important, why should it interest other people how much some total stranger got for his house? However, such things are public information. Even worse is that your annual income is also public information. I find this absurd, not just because it's an invasion of privacy but because it's disturbing that people actually are that nosy that they need to know what other people bring home every year.