Remembering high school graduation

I wasn't really happy. I wasn't happy because in those days I was never happy. I also wasn't happy because I had barely applied myself in my studies at all. My classes were mostly spent writing or drawing and not paying any attention to what the teachers said. I was also not happy because I knew full well that a high school diploma, especially a diploma from a 2-year program in home economics, means butkus on the job market. I glided through high school oblivious to the fact that I was approaching the real world. I had no clue as to what I wanted to do with my life. I glided through my graduation the same way I coasted through high school.
Sure it was fun with all the hoopla, even though I knew I really didn't deserve it because it had hardly been an accomplishment. Cards and banners saying "You did good!" seemed rather phony and perfunctory. Those are the kind of things relatives write on greeting cards, but in my case it was definitely not true. I enjoyed the attention, and drinking champagne with my friend at 10:00am downtown. I enjoyed playing the part of a happy student. I was so oblivious back then that I didn't even reflect on what I really felt. I just went with it all. Played my role. I don't remember being unhappy, I honestly don't remember feeling anything but nervousness. I was nervous, but excited, when it was my class' turn to enter the steps outside the school that are supposed to symbolize taking a giant leap from childhood to adulthood. Somewhere out there in the crowd was my family, standing there with their cameras trying to pinpoint which white hat belonged to me so they could snap a picture of this landmark moment. On the way home to our place, where the grad reception was held, we stopped to take pictures of me with my flowers hanging around my neck and grad plaque in hand, adorned with a picture of me when I was 7 with uncombed hair and a look of bewilderment on my face. A friend was videotaping our march up that hill as well, as our apartment was located really close to the school and we could all walk there together. I wouldn't smile for the pictures. In the video I'm standing there with a tense look on my face, like someone shoved a poker up my butt. My grandfather finally calls out "Laugh a little!", but not in a mean way. I force out a stiff half-smile, not even showing my teeth, I almost look angry, and then we proceed up to our apartment for the festivities.
We have champagne, more champagne on top of what I had already had that morning, and finger food, and strawberry cake with whipped cream. I get presents, mostly money, some jewelry. A pair of earrings from the relatives that I could never wear since I don't have pierced ears. I ended up exchanging it for a ring that was cheaper than the earrings and then blew the rest of the dough on candy. Like a child. In fact, I was just a child. A 17-year old with the emotional development of a 14-year old, and no clue what to do next. I was the most nervous during the grad reception with my relatives and friends. In the videotape from this occasion I'm almost completely tongue-tied. I wasn't used to being in the spotlight.
When I graduated from university 11 years later it was a completely different feeling. That was one of the best days of my life. I really felt like I had accomplished something, and I had a pretty good idea what I wanted to do next. It didn't turn out the way I thought, but that doesn't take away from the specialness of that day.
I can't speak for all kids, but for me, my high school graduation was no big deal. To be quite frank, how hard is it to earn a high school diploma? I barely worked and I still passed. As long as you stick with it and don't drop out, the diploma is in the bag. But I know that the pomp and circumstance that surrounds H.S graduations isn't really about accomplishments, if the size and significance of a graduation would be measured in accomplishment, there would be more emphasis on university graduations instead. It's more about taking that first step towards adulthood and autonomy, and of course about the partying.