Fake feminist

For a long time I've considered myself somewhat of a feminist, but I've suddenly realized that I'm not a real feminist. I'm all for equality between men and women. I will always support the basic thoughts of feminism. Well, I don't really think of it as feminism, it's more like basic human rights. It's stuff that should go without saying. There shouldn't be need for any fuss, protests or men-hating groups to achieve equal rights for women. Naturally guys should share all the household chores, wages should be the same for men and women, women should be given the same respect as men and not be treated as animals or objects, women should never be regarded as inferior to men etc. etc. This goes without saying for me.

I call my best friend old-fashioned and anti-feminist because she expects the guy to make all the moves. She will never ask him out because she considers this the guy's task. I've always disagreed with her, but to be honest I realize that I agree with her up to a point. I don't think it's automatically the guy's duty to ask the girl out on a date. That's sort of like saying that the guy is in charge. It's also putting some pressure on him when you expect him to be the brave one, the one to take the initiative, when in fact he might be just as insecure and afraid to be rejected as you are.

But, I don't want him to treat me like one of the guys, I want to be treated better than that. It doesn't matter if he's romantically interested, a friend, a colleague or just a stranger, I want to be treated like a woman. I don't need him to open doors for me or pull out chairs, but I don't want him to slam them in my face either. This is what I mean when I say I'm a fake feminist. I want total equality yet I want men to behave like gentlemen. I don't expect much, just some politeness.

Maybe this is a cultural issue. Before I left Sweden to move to North America I had never had a boyfriend. As far as I knew, no guy in Sweden had ever been interested in me and I had never been seriously interested in anyone either, not really. I was beginning to think I was totally unattractive to men. Then I came to Canada and suddenly I discovered that I was in fact a female, and that there were men out there who found me attractive. When North American men are interested in you, they let you know. And even if they're not into you in that way, they still treat you like a woman. I'm talking about men in general here. Maybe it's simply that Swedish men and I have never clicked? We never have. I lose patience and interest when they act all stand-offish and snooty. I suppose I come across that way too. Perhaps I'm speaking from inexperience here, since I literally have no experience with my countrymen when it comes to the romance department. I have been hit on by Swedish men a couple of times but only drunk ones. What does that say about me? What does it say about them? Either I'm totally unattractive to them or they only have the guts to make a move when they're drunk. Maybe it's both. Maybe I'm not perky, cool and cheerful enough. North American men don't have perky, cheerful and cool as a requirement. One time in a club in Sweden when I was visiting for Christmas, and I was feeling invisible to the opposite sex as usual in Sweden, some guy was looking at me and suddenly smiled. For just a split second I thought he was showing interest, but it quickly hit me that he was actually hinting to me that I should smile, and his smile was sarcasm. I put on an exaggerated fake smile and his smile disappeared, and he looked away, as though his task was done. I had not been smiling, and apparently that wasn't allowed.

Anyway, since I'm already in a relationship, with a North American man who appreciates my neuroticism and bitchy side, it doesn't really matter. The point is that I can't really call myself a true feminist if I want guys to treat me better than they do their fellow guys. My boyfriend says I shouldn't say I want equality and then expect a guy to be a gentleman. But there it is, that's how I feel. I want to feel like a woman. I'm difficult, I want to be allowed to be a bitch and I want total equality yet I want him to treat me like a lady.