21-year old me

I just watched an old home video of a birthday party that took place when I was 21.
Watching myself on video was as always a self-conscious, embarrassing affair.
Frizzy dark hair that hung in disorganized curls around my face. Round, bulging face with thin lips and prodtruding teeth. Hovering around the punch bowl, sipping the welcome drink with the delight and curiosity of a kid who's just been allowed to have alcohol for the first time.
Conservative light blue skirt suit that I had bought inspired by Jackie Kennedy. Shoulder pads that made me look larger than I really was.
When this video was shot I had had virtually no life experience. I remember being so idealistic and naive. I reckon that I was also regarded as something of a freak because I was living at home and had still not had a boyfriend, had not even dated, and didn't have a job or any prospects for the future. I didn't have a life. I was living inside my head, always captivated by some celebrity. For several years it was Elvis, then it was JFK jr, then for a very brief time it was Bryan Adams. This was how I survived. Reality was so boring that I had to obsess about something in order to just get through the day. With Elvis it was more though. I still love Elvis, just not in such an obsessive way as back then.
Idealistic youth. This was when I still believed that everyone I met really was nice and when I thought that everything was about me. I didn't need to go to any effort with people because it was enough to just show up and be me. I could see that in the video. My social skills sucked ass and to top it off I was kind of a snob. I don't proclaim to be perfect in the present but at least I'm not as bad as I was back then.
This was before I had been in a relationship and therefore still held the belief that love was like in the movies and there would be a prince charming out there somewhere waiting for me.
15 months later I went to Canada for the first time, and the rest is history.
I find myself wondering how much I've really changed since that video was filmed. Do I still look like that? We always think we look better now compared to in the past but that's not always true. We just don't want to admit that we really look like that. Given that this was 15 years ago I would assume that my face has changed somewhat.
Personality wise I would say I am more polished and more cynical. Not that I'm a polished person, but compared to 21-year old me I am. There weren't very many places to go but up on that score.
Then there were the relatives and friends in the video who have passed away since this birthday party. It was particularly sad to see the grandparents. Seeing my grandpa with his large, black glasses that were always kind of crooked on his thin face. His thin hair which was always unruly and that I always liked to pull to tease him.
So, was it better to have gotten out and experienced life even though the experiences I would soon come to have could hardly be described as positive?
Or would it have been better to stay in my hometown? God knows when I would have moved out of my parent's place and gotten a job. I might still be living with them. Or maybe I would have eventually conformed and found myself an office job and a local, down-to-earth boyfriend whom I would have moved in with. I refused to conform, which is why I was still living at home and not working, apart from office cleaning two nights a week.
I suppose what happened was meant to be. Life is never smooth. We are all bound to have bad experiences. That's how we grow. Cocooning in my childhood room forever and avoiding any unpleasant experiences with the real world versus heading out there and facing hard times? Clearly I would still choose the latter despite knowing what I do now, I would have just made different choices that's all. Living at home at 21 and living in a fantasy world had its comfortable aspects yet I remember lots of moments of tears and loneliness, thinking I'd be alone forever.
Some things I've learned is that the whole does not revolve around me and not all people have good intentions. I think I've become better at distinguishing the rotten apples from the good ones.
Anyway, I sure hope I've changed some since then. Sometimes I worry that I have come full circle and am right back where I started without any progress. I know this isn't the case but living here plays tricks with my mind. It's almost like living in the Twilight Zone.