Once I had a friend whom I loved to hang out with. She would always bitch to me about her best friend who had suddenly turned weird on her after she had found herself a boyfriend, and they never spent time together anymore. Then as she made up with her best friend it was adios amigo as far as I was concerned. I had been her bitch-friend for a few months, and someone to fill the void during her conflict with her best friend.
There are friends, and then there are friends. There are two different categories of them - true friends and friends who are just looking for company. The latter category, although they can temporarily be fun, aren't really worth much. Real friends aren't dependent upon their relationship status when it comes to how they treat their friends. They'll be your friend when they're single and will continue to be so even after they meet someone.
Ever heard of the expression "Fair-weather friend", who only wants to be your friend when your life is smooth and there are no complications? Well there's also the "Foul-weather" friend, who is only interested in being pals when their life is empty or crappy.
The "Foul-weather friend" wants to be your buddy and hang out when he/she has nothing else going on in his/her life, but will conveniently forget all about you when things pick up and who will seek out other friends then. Normally this expression is used for people who want to be friends when you're life is down the toilet but it can be used when the situation is reversed. You gotta love these people! Makes me feel kind of like a breeding mare who has served her purpose and can then be cast aside until the next time. Makes you doubt yourself too. Did I do something to offend this person? Was it something I said? Was I only good enough when she/he was lonely and suffering from a life crisis but not good enough to be with when things are great? You mull over it and wonder to yourself what it was and if there's anything you can do to change it. Perhaps a peppy email or a breezy phone call, saying that you just want to catch up, phrased as though nothing has changed, will do the trick? Some of the old jokes perhaps? The same old jargon...
"Hey, what's new. Long time no see! What ya been up to? Let's catch up sometime soon. See ya soon I hope! : )
P.S. I had gravel and milk for dinner tonight! ; )
There, that oughta do it! That was nice and casual right? Not intense or pushy in any way right? Nothing like the way you've been acting lately. Yeah, this oughta get things back on track. Show that you're not pissed or weird or anything.
A nice touch might be to add some inside joke at the end. Like a catchy P.S or something. Yeah that's a good idea.
Nothing's changed right?
Wrong.
Things have changed and you better roll with the punches.
Then as time goes by and you hear nothing or you get a distant demeanour in response to your attempts to stay in contact, you realize that this person is on the way out. Unfortunately it's a part of life and the best we can do is distinguish genuine friends from these "Foul-weather friends" and stay away from the latter. Or, don't allow yourself to develop any deeper sentiments for this person and just enjoy the ride while it lasts. People come and go and most of them will not stick around forever. That's how it works. We all fulfill a purpose in each other's lives, whether it's a permanent purpose or a temporary one depends on the person. Some people we will continue to need in our lives while others lose their luster once something or someone else comes along to. I can honestly say that I'm not the type to be inclined to cast friends aside once I meet someone or something new happens in my life. Sure, I might become busier and spend less time with friends, especially in the beginning stage of a relationship, but it's not in my nature to just drop them from my life completely.
The good thing for me is that I've become very good at letting people go gracefully these days. What's the point of trying to hang on to something that's a thing of the past? It's a waste of time. Once it's been made clear to you that they no longer desire to be friends, and you have made an attempt to stay in touch or to heal whatever went wrong, the best thing to do is to just let them go. Who needs these people anyway.
As a girl, I can understand why a guy might not be able to spend as much time with his female friends after he's met someone. I certainly wouldn't like it if Nick spent a lot of time with another woman. However I wouldn't expect him to break off all contact with all females that were in his life before me. He's free to correspond or do stuff with other women. I'd be weirded out if he started spending all his free time with another girl and that would of course present a problem but I do think that men and women should be able to be friends even when they're married or involved.
3 comments:
Remember when I wrote that blog post about MIAs? I was so annoyed then, but now that I'm older, I think I've learned to let go of people who don't make any effort to maintain or deepen the friendship too. At some point, you just gotta surrender and focus on those who make you important and feel wanted.
I think it's good to stay open should they come back. People get wrapped up in their lives for various reasons.
But if they should not, the best thing to do is just thank them for having been part of our lives and for teaching us some things, wish them well and let them go.
People come and go in our lives. Not everyone is meant to stay. But I'm glad you are one of the people I can caTEgorize as the latter. Best friends forever Linda. Single or married, this Asian will be loyal.
I've been thinking more about this and you know what, perhaps people who don't give you the time of day are better than people who do spend time with you only to put you down and drain your energy by negativity.
This is what I call the toxic friend type. The toxic friend is not supportive and rarely appreciative. They do not assure you at all of your importance in their life. Rather, they try to keep you off balance and put you in the defensive mode. Worse, you may find yourself going down their level and attacking them too, in an effort to assert yourself.
Toxic friends take, rather than give. They lower, rather than raise. While you're with them you feel like you are nothing, mean nothing and what you do is nothing. Even if you have a healthy confidence, you can never win with a toxic friend. You are forever stuck in whatever box they've chosen to put you in, viewed under the lenses they chose to see you in from the start. If you say you're hurt, "you're overreacting." If you say nothing, you are stuck with a feeling of being misunderstood. Toxic friends do not see you as who you are. They only see how you fit into this or that stereotype. In order for them to be right, you have to be wrong. It is always a win-lose. You cannot both be right.
Point is, as with MIAs, perhaps the only way to deal with such people is to just let them go.
The toxic friend type isn't a friend. That's just someone looking for someone to commiserate with. Someone who will make them feel better about their lives by trashing your life. Not much of a friend.
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