Peeking

I have an inclination towards voyuerism, but not in a dirty way. I just sort of enjoy peeking at neighbours as they go about their daily lives. I don't actually sit at the window and stare, like Jeff did in Rear Window, but I have a tendency to look over at the neighbours if I'm sitting near the window, and if there's movement I continue to watch. Why do some people have this tendency? It shouldn't be interesting to watch someone doing the dishes or reading a book, but there's something about the secrecy of it, watching someone without their knowledge.

I especially like observing people simultaneously, because you see all these parallel lives going on in different settings. I think that's part of the reason why Rear Window is one of my favourite movies, because the entire movie is set overlooking a courtyard of windows, and in each apartment you see a different character and storyline develop.

Is part of the allure also that we are bored with our own lives and feel the need to watch what's going on in other people's homes? Does this give us the feeling of living vicariously by watching others live? Who knows.

Like dolls in a doll house, the neighbours across the courtyard are not real because you watch them from a distance and you don't know them personally. They turn into characters instead of real people and what you see is more like a silent film rather than real life.

Somebody has been overlooked

Whoever invented mashed potatoes should be given a statue in their honour.

Please...

...no more talk of the winter Olympics. It makes me even more 'homesick'. Though I don't really care about sports, it's still a major event and I would have liked to have been back there by now. People keep saying to me: 'Imagine if you were there right now!' and 'Too bad you're not there, I'd come to stay with you for the Olympics!'
I mentioned to somebody that I would have liked to have seen the figure skating competitions live, and she laughed at it. Is it strange that the only sport I enjoy watching is figure skating? Well, I somewhat enjoy alpine skiing because I'm amazed at the speed with which these people throw themselves down the mountain. It's almost hypnotic to watch.
I've never really understood the passion that some people have for sports. Unless you personally know somebody on the team, how interesting can it be? It's just a bunch of strangers playing sports. Also, it bugs me how sports always seems to take precedence over everything else. They preempt other programs to show sports, and that's only the half of it.

Anyway, I got sidetracked. The real point is that I really miss Vancouver and I was supposed to be there right now to enjoy the excitement of the Olympics, and the fact that I'm not is depressing. I was there for when they announced that Vancouver was going to be the host of the winter Olympics in 2010. I was on the Skytrain, and suddenly the announcement came out on the speaker system. The funny part was that barely no one reacted to the news. I heard a faint clapping from somewhere on the train, but that was it. It was early in the morning and everybody was on their way to work, so that might have had something to do with it.

I should wear a sign. 'Please don't mention the Olympics to me!'

Enter the world of fiction

So this year isn't off to a very good start. More than a month of 2010 has gone by and I'm still not in the groove. Haven't found my mojo, my muse. The goal for this year is to get back to the point when writing was a fun escape from reality.

Writing fiction should be like entering another world. Your characters should feel like your children. They should feel like real people to you. You should lose all sense of real time and space. It should be, as Stephen King depicted it in Misery, like finding a hole in the paper and climbing through it. Today it's a computer screen that we have to climb through, but the concept is the same.

It used to be like that for me and I want that back. Damned education. It ruined it. I've become too self-critical and analytical to enjoy it.

I want to find that hole in the computer screen and climb through it!

Ode to Di

Perpetually squinting and barely able to see,
uses her own backyard to pee.
Refuses to glasses wear,
When confronted lashes out like a bear.
Miss Vickie’s, Glosette’s Peanuts and bacon she devours,
Can be in entranced in Korean dramas for hours.
Hates newbies but loves her washroom stall,
To describe her own poop she has the gall.
She’ll dance in the stores like she’s in a club,
And after that will gladly go to RR for some grub.
After a Whisky River BBQ burger and a pint of beer
Her face towards the shade of red will steer.
Tempestuous, volatile, cranky and crazy,
Will readily admit to being lazy.
A true romantic at heart,
And at the same time oddly fascinated by a fart.
True, her disposition can hardly be described as sunny,
Yet she’s also loyal, thoughtful, caring and funny.
A comrade in the battle of life,
Someone to stand by your side in the midst of strife.
Wonderfully full of oddities and quirks,
Being her friend sure has its perks.

I want it NOW!

When I was a very small child, I had quite an appetite. I would sit in my highchair and stab my fork violently into the wooden table over and over, while screaming for mom to give me food. For as long as we kept that table, that round circle of little fork holes remained in my spot, a nostalgic memento from my childhood.
Watching food shows such as Gordon's Kitchen Nightmares, Hell's Kitchen and Master Chef makes me realize that some people never really outgrow this behaviour. Should one feel like finding proof for Sigmund Freud's theories about the Id, Ego and Superego, one need only go to a restaurant. Waiting for food in restaurants really seems to make the Id in some people surface.
I never understood why everything has to be so fast. Like one of the judges on Master Chef said, 'We want the food good and we want it fast!' I understand the first part, since you naturally want the food to be good if you're paying for it. What I don't really get is the tremendous speed with which everything is expected to be done. If you want good food, you can wait a while longer. If you're that incredibly hungry that you can't wait 30 minutes, go to McDonald's instead. It's pathetic when you go to restaurants and watch some people behave like starving toddlers because their food hasn't arrived fast enough. Yes, there are limits to how long you should have to wait. Two hours is too long, 45 minutes is not. This is why we have wine and appetizers, and hopefully good company. Some people want instant gratification though. 'I want what I want and I want it now!!!' 'ME ME ME!!!'
High class problem indeed.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?

If you've ever seen the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, you know that it's about having the power to erase painful events in your life from your memory. In the film, this involves a painful relationship and breakup. It's a very interesting idea, erasing emotionally traumatic things from your consciousness. I wonder, if I had the option, would I do it? I think I would. It is true that even a bad experience can be a good lesson. When I look back at past mistakes, I can analyze them and identify where I went wrong, but I can't do anything about it except to try and avoid making the same mistake the next time. The problem is that I tend to dwell on the past, particularly when I'm sad or bored. The past is like this dark corridor that we make our escape to when we're weary and dissatisfied with the present and unsure of the future, and each door holds a specific memory or event in your life. The corridor often remains pretty much the same, with the same memories festering behind the same doors. The mind lingers on past events because they may contain some clue as to why the present is the way it is. Sometimes those events are joyful, but most often they're sad or traumatic. It totally depends on what mood you're in. If you're happy, you tend to remember happy things, and vice versa.

More and more lately, I've been wondering what it would be like if you could reach into the past and alter or erase certain things. Would it change who you are today, and where you are? Has every little thing in the past led you to where you are at this very moment? If you could, would you do what Jim Carrey did in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? Would you choose to erase certain memories? Not every painful exprience can possibly be a beneficial one, can it? Some of them can seem more like a pain in the ass than anything else.

Dorian Gray's fair appearance remained the same no matter what he did or experienced, while every terrible action in his life was reflected in his portrait. Each sorrow and traumatizing event is like a scar on our soul. Eventually we're one big scar. How we deal with those scars is up to us. However, what if you could remove those scars by erasing the memory of those events from your mind? Or better yet, alter the past.

The past is like a chain of causation:

I would not have let myself be bogged down by low self-esteem
I would have studied harder in elementary school
I would never have gotten involved with my first boyfriend
I would have studied more in my first year of college
I would have chosen a different direction at university
I would never have moved...


And see, it all connects. Here's how:

Had I had higher self-esteem as a kid, I would have believed that studying might make a difference, and I would have applied myself in elementary school. The first factor in this chain of causation if often the crucial determinant, and is therefore the hardest to change.

Had I had better self-esteem, I would never have gotten involved with my first boyfriend

Had I never gotten involved with my first boyfriend, I would have focused more on my studies during my first year of college

Had I studied harder during my first year of college, I might have had the nerve, and the grades, to choose a different major

Had I chosen a different major, I might not have had difficulties finding a good job

Had I not had difficulties finding a good job, I would not have moved

So you see, one event affects another, and so on. So, if I had the power to go alter the past, I would have gotten the ball rolling in a completely different direction.

On that note, I think I'll leave the past for a while and stop writing this post.