10 objects I would not want to be

As a result of my overactive imagination and my tendency to sympathize with inanimate objects, I sometimes find myself thinking what it would be like to be certain things. I can list the number of objects I would least like to be.

1. A toilet bowl in a public washroom
Imagine having people pull down their pants and place their bare bottoms on you and dump their urine or feces down your gullet. This is the life of a toilet bowl. Seeing fully exposed anuses from below would be bad enough, but having them drop their toxic missiles inside you day after day after day is even worse.

2. A toilet brush
Not only do you live permanently next to the toilet bowl, but you also have to make your living being shoved down cold, urine-infested toilet water and being rubbed hard against porcelain so that poo and other residue will stick to your bristles. Hardly desirable.

3. A tea bag
First someone pours scalding hot water on you, drown you in it, then pick you up and throw you in the garbage. The sad existence of a tea bag.

4. A vomit bag on an airplane loaded with drunks.
This one speaks for itself.

5. Tampons or sanitary pads.
This one too.

6. A suppository
Your sole function in life is to be shoved up an anus where you will soon dissolve. Sound nice?

7. A bowling shoe
Having various people invade you with their stinking feet all day is not exactly a dream existence.

8. A bus seat on a bus during afternoon rush hour
Being constantly sat on by warm bums ripe with the pungent sweat of a full day's work?
No thanks!

9. An orthodontic retainer
Being stuck inside a mouth all night, or even permanently for years? This is nothing for those of us that are slightly claustrophobic. Nor is it something for us that think that really bad morning breath is one of the most nauseating smells in the world.

10. A rug when it's being whipped clean
Some people are into S&M and like a good ass whooping. I'm not one of them. I've always thought it looks rather ominous and frightening when people whip their rugs like there's no tomorrow. They lay into them with such brute force and fury that one has to wonder who they're envisioning in the rug's place. And then, after the torture part is over, they carry their poor, traumatized victims back into the house and dump them on the floor, spread them out and start walking on them. Eerie!