For Sleepless in Vancouver

Because she asked for it.

I have been housecleaning all afternoon. My apartment now smells like flowers, well, not real flowers, but flower scented floor Ajax. It's a good feeling.
I was going to free write and perhaps I will do that. Yes, I shall do that, When you free write yo come up with some pretty illuminating stuff. I remember when I was in my early twenties, and late teens for that matter, and I looked like a loon with my frizzy hair, huge glasses, big knockers and clothe with shoulder pads, and eye brows like two thumbs. My face was round, like I had two large grapes in each cheek. Although I did get a haircut when I was 20. I got it cut like Jackie O, since I admired her at this stage and I wanted to resemble her. Incidentally, I also dressed like her. I bought this light blue skirt suit that was very 60's. I wore if for Sir L. 50th birthday party. Oh and you know what, I do believe that my walking style has been molded by Jackie O. I don't even know anymore since it's my walk and I have no control over it anymore.
Anyway, the point I am trying to make in this rambling post is that I was totally invisible to the opposite sex. You should have seen me. I was pretty much without a gender. I never sent out any signals. Didn't have any idea how to flirt. I was a dud. I was like a 75 year old, and lived like one too. No dating, no life, not even male friends. Not a single one.
This wasn't so strange since I grew up in the city of Östersund, where attractive males are hard to come by, in my opinion anyway. They just didn't seem to fit me. I never met anybody I found attractive. Well, perhaps a few, but they were always completely unattainable, and perhaps that was the attraction. It was safe that way because I knew that nothing could ever come of it. They would always remain just a fantasy. I think I spent more energy fantasizing about celebrities than real guys.
The real guys just always seemed to view me as a freak. At least that's how I felt. The odd part is that this is still somewhat true. When I'm back here, the old Linda comes sneaking back and I feel unattractive and undesirable to men here. Not that I'm looking, and not that I need validation from other men anyway. I'm just thinking that sometimes when we don't have much luck with meeting anyone, we should perhaps looks elsewhere.
I came to Canada and everything changed. I suddenly realized that maybe I could be attractive to guys after all. I wasn't this sexless being who was forever meant to live in the shadow of the few female friends she had. An appendix. Auntie Linda. Invisible Linda. Spinster Linda. I wasn't that person anymore. My point is, that in order to find someone, we sometimes need to widen our net. If it's not working for you the way things are now, perhaps something needs to change. You don't have to move across the world, but maybe you need to look in places you ordinarily wouldn't look in. Take some chances. Explore other options.
Flirting is fun. It really is. You just have to relax a little. Don't be so self-aware all the time. Of course, flirting requires another person. That person will come along, sooner or later. And then, maybe another person, and then maybe another. You know me, I think one has to sample the merchandise before you make a final purchase. In order to find the best cantaloupe you have to weed through the bruised and rotten ones. And the only way to spot a good cantaloupe is to taste some rotten ones, then you have something to compare to. Just a thought. I should stop yammering now, because I could go on writing for hours.
I will add this though. I always used to think that having passion and going with your gut is the best thing. Everything will work out as long as you follow your heart. The latter is not true! Sometimes following your heart will get you into a flaming mess. I've been there. What you said in your reply to you post, that you need to learn the art of being nonchalant, well that's not the worst thing in the world to know. I've become a lot more independent and nonchalant lately, and I'll tell you, it really gives you a lot more peace of mind. Once you learn to let go of trying to change people or trying to influence their actions or feelings, you feel a lot calmer. It really makes a huge difference. You can change yourself, but you can never change other people. They're going to do whatever it is they want to do, so why even try to influence that? In the end they're the ones in charge, just like you're the one in charge of your life. Jeez, I sound like some corny talk show. I hate talk shows.
I'll stop here.