I have a secret power

I manage to piss people off even when I don't see them or speak to them in weeks and months. I always used to think that occasional distance and space is a good way of maintaining a friendship. Not so. Not always. It depends on the person I suppose, but I have experienced backstabbing and bad mouthing even when I haven't had anything to do with the person for months. Odd isn't it. I know I'm not the most likable person in the world, perhaps that's it. I rub people the wrong way. I'm aware of this. Not much I can do about that. Fortunately the people that I'm the closest to know me well enough to see through my weird sense of humour, they even appreciate it, and I feel comfortable enough with them to drop the armour.

It's hard for me to trust people. It feels as though you can't really trust anyone because you never know when they're going to turn on you. Perhaps this is my problem. I'm too uptight to relax and be myself around people. Outwardly I might appear relaxed but I'm always on guard. I don't even know how to get close to people. It's a miracle that it's happened at all.

So what I'm thinking is that my paranoia about people turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Perhaps because I expect people to turn cold on me, they do. I also think that my recent laid back attitude towards people pushes them away. I've become quite the recluse, who enjoy my solitude and peace and quiet. I'm not always the best at keeping in touch. In fact I stink at it. I know this is not good, but I've just become rather reticent lately, or perhaps the word is indifferent.

Or perhaps it's just my personality. Not much one can do about that. I'm just glad to have a few of people out there who get me.